I did not have good quality of sleep for a long time, but recently it become more serious.
I could not sleep, I could not find the content or peace in my heart. There is something that has not been settled.
I used to have a self-hatred emotion for very long, but luckily someone, my dear Yu Xi, have helped me to realize the ridiculous and wast of having such poisoning mood. I am pretty sure I enjoyed life most of the time, seeking every opportunity to utilize my sensors, smell, sight, hear, feel more alive in every moment. But still, I realize, I am not satisfied. I tried to find the satisfaction in my dinner plate. I ate a lot, good food and bad food. But none of them helps. It do gave my a stuffy feeling in the stomach, but I am not contend, there is something not settled in my heart.
Maybe, it's love? That's a too easy conclusion to drawn. I have to admit, partially it is.
I am a strange case. Never had I lacked of someone chasing after, but I am picky about the one I feels 'right'. Picky, not necessarily being unrealistic and with a high standard. I believe everyone have their judgement. I am not saying those I did not pick is bad. Just, only a small amount of people can encase your heart beat. The small portion of human race, maybe one or two on this planet.
Few days ago, I talked about sex with one of the boys living on my floor. Seriously, we talked about that. I was surprised he told me when he found his girl friend was not a virgin, he was very disappointed. I though westerners are open to experience. However, maybe I am wrong. And he encouraged me to wait until I find the one who can give me the vow. The kind of vow that Z gave J, and made me cried. I felt blessed to hear those advice. There are little desires in me make me feel like being adventurous. I am glad there are consistently people around me, and remind me of being patient, the importance of integrity and the benefit of waiting for the moment to come.
And I know, a companion, a normal companion or those so called boyfriend won't satisfied me. There is something deeper not settled in my heart.
Yesterday I went down stairs and begin to play piano. I am not very professional. I regret that when my mum suggest me to change to Professional Piano stream, I refused and keep on going with my electronic organ. I thought it was awesome. You could play as a orchestra on your own. But few of the technique I learned made me feel proud now. While at the moment my finger touted the keyboard. I fell free again. I do not care. I do not care whether I am good or not. The only thing I know is I am free.
That is my little enlightenment recently. I have a true interest in music. I cannot let it go. It is risky, like be in love with someone you might never be qualified to be with. But I love the thrill feeling, and the wonderful feeling of being free.
All in all, the things I want to achieve over these few years are pretty clear now. Be a song writer, learn language, keep study and reading, know more about finance and technique terms to find a job and make a living.
When I searched my classmates once I had in China on SNS, I noticed the huge changes everyone has. We are not changed to bad , or changed to good. We just changed to something more like ourselves.
Pray Request: Dear father, I hope you could help me to find peace so that I could focus more on my paper. I do wish to graduate with in the community. I love them, I love the people I am living and studying with now. All the glories are credited to you.